On “Success”

In 2023, I tasted what a younger version of myself would consider wild success.

I’ve held mics and stood before crowds I once secretly wished to talk to. I’ve developed wonderful relationships with people I once watched from afar. I’ve been asked to go places and hopped on more planes than I once imagined was possible. I’ve had the honor to take on projects once tucked into the depths of my journal thoughts.

I’ve been near some noise, some hype, some allure …

And when close to it, when the curtain is pulled back, and I sense they (whoever “they” are??) start to welcome me in … I find myself exhausted. I find that this doesn’t feel like the success I'm after.

These are wonderful gifts — but all I want is this:

I want to make my coffee in the morning, slowly. And soak up the morning sun that streams through my bedroom windows. I want to walk down my street and make an outfit from the clothes right in front of me. I want to spend an entire day just dabbling around with creativity. I want to plant flowers in my pots, pray with my people, spend time at my parent’s dining room table. I want to laugh with the loyal, inspiring women I call my friends. I want to really look at my loved ones, ask them questions, never forget them.

I want to float on my back in surrender through the mundane molasses of normal. I want to sink my teeth into a rich slowness. I want to really zoom in on this moment and whisper over and over again — “thank you, Jesus for simply this.”

What is success to me?

I think it’s slow and hidden. It’s not shiny, tough, or out of reach — it’s fragile and quiet. Its direction calls to me in a hushed voice. It’s asking for my protection.

The success I want does not hang something over my head, asking me to jump. It calls me to get down on my knees and really see the good in front of me.

It stems from a humble confession — “this is actually perfect — right here and right now, being in the presence of God and making this art.”

At the start of this year, I find myself asking for the courage to stand up for the small things. For deliverance from the temptation that any other offer could be better than right now. For the strength to not abandon the seemingly simple but full-of-grace days that allow me to unfurl and explore.

I want to scream out loud — “The success you’re looking for is not where you think it is! The Holy Spirit is with you, has placed you, created you! You don’t need to turn over another stone! You have what you need at home in your heart!”

We could gain the whole world but lose our souls.

May my efforts for “success” be led by these deep knowings. May I choose to decorate my life with the small, still, and long hauled.

I no longer want to be running ahead of myself and breathlessly begging, “please, catch up!” I want to let out a deep exhale, realizing I have already found it.

Jesus, there is nothing else I need. Do not let busy rob me.

Help me protect how precious this is. Just this moment — you and me.

C