The Trenches

I have been in the trenches.

And I’ve been waiting for it to come to a fine point — some elegant takeaway that I could send in this email like a smoke signal. “All is well and the road of growth is certainly unruly. Keep going — it eventually clears up here!”

I’ve imagined hoisting myself up victoriously and telling you about it. But I am still on the unmarked road. And I don’t know where it clears … so the best I can do is be honest with you.

I hope maybe you’ll relate. The only way out is through, and I’m with you.

I’ve experienced so many new emotions lately. One day in this life feels like 10 from past times. It’s like I’m on a fast track — barely holding on.

I haven’t been recognizing my responses to day to day happenings — a lack of excitement at emails I’ve dreamt of, a bit of daily dread, questions about my confidence. I can’t seem to uncover any new dreams that feel inspiring …

Most days I feel like I’m standing in the middle of this life I’ve built and wondering “What now? Am I really the one that created this beast?”

I could call it a quarter-life crisis … My 25th birthday is right around the corner … but I know this is just extreme growth, a serious pruning. I’m comforted by the idea that I’m just in the arena. This is the thick of it.

But when I look back, I see that for most of my life I have been set on going somewhere. I’ve been pawing at the future, hurling myself forward. Checking off next steps and expecting them to add up to something greater than what I already have.

But life doesn't necessarily add up. It only eventually ends. Our currency is only in the current moment.

Here’s the reality of happenings —

My business is growing at a rapid pace. At moments I feel backed into a corner with no way out. I love my work but some mornings I look at my todo list and wonder “Do I even want this?"

My mom's 8 year battle with cancer has reached a new phase. She is okay — but I regularly jump at text messages and leave gatherings to cry on phone calls. I'm straddling the cursed contrast of stage 4 in another state and the hope of my young life south of my family.

The Identity I derived from perfection and a can-do attitude is being torn up. Over and over again I learn — I must hold this loosely. It can all be stripped away and I would lose nothing. How humbling!

I’m learning how to communicate through conflict, fail publicly, ask for help. I'm slowly but surely dismantling the false safety I’ve labeled as strong independence. Clearing the clutter of “advice” and “opinion” to hear what my own heart wants. Trying to listen to my creative voice — realizing how easily I abandon it.

This isn’t supposed to be a litany of pity, only honesty. A in the thick of it status report.

What would make your list?

Here’s the thing about the trenches though —

Everyday, grace finds me.

Everyday, I collapse into bed remembering I am not in control and I know who is. I relax into trust, outlining how everything (I mean everything) has worked out so far.

I recount the miracles I have seen with my own eyes. I tune into The Holy Spirit and the way it whispers: “You’re only along for the ride. Heaven has you. Enjoy.”

Lately I’m giving myself permission to pull over. To put the brakes on.

I’ve spent all this time running through a forest trying to clear the trees to realize that maybe this unmarked trail was meant to be a sanctuary …

There is no where to go. Only a call to be here.

Drop the shoulders. Look up.

Even in the trenches, we can always see this blue sky. We are so loved and held by beauty.

Carry on — the light is coming.

We will find it together.

With you! For you!

Great to talk to you,

C