No Lie 25

I like to make meaning out of everything— almost to a fault. I have a whole slew of signs I regularly look for. I can trace my life with themes, important dates, and answered prayers. They all run together like a web— evidence that God is at work.

Before my birthday every year, I like to sit down and pray about a new word or theme for the year ahead. I turned 25 on May 21st. This year, I had absolutely zero time or energy to even think about it. I was almost sick of even trying. While on a jog around the block and in an effort to get my head right, I asked the Holy Spirit — What is this year to you?

It clearly hit my soul: "No lying in year 25."

Now, I've never considered myself a liar, but I do know that I've trained myself to stuff down what I want, how I'm feeling, what I need, or what I see. Instead of being honest, I've paid a lot of attention to how I can get along or cause no problems.

This goal has been very misdirected. It has warped my ability to hear my own voice and frankly, hurt my relationships. These efforts have kept me from living authentically.

It's June 21st. We are a month in. I cannot properly explain the seismic impact this commitment to honesty has created.

Everything has fallen apart. For everything to fall together.

The effect has been quick and shocking but not entirely out of my own doing. There have been no dramatics or big confessions. Just little moments, at my desk, in the car, on the phone, where I feel the Holy Spirit gently say— "No lie 25!"

They are subtleties that sound like: "I can't do that right now."

"I don't actually want this." "I need to eat something." "I'm hurt by that." "I'm sorry." "I like this." "I can't hang out right now." "This isn't how I want this." "Can I tell you something?"

I am no longer an actor in my own life.

To let honest words fall out of my mouth first felt like lights being abruptly turned on. My eyes were used to the dark. It's shocking— but you do adjust.

It has felt like a gentle turning of my face to the sun. With these small admissions and the willingness to be seen— I have suddenly been set in the right direction. My vulnerability has allowed God to move quickly.

What is obedience to me? I think it's just our brave honesty.

Say it with me?

"Come what may. I will be honest along the way."

Sending love,

C